I’m a 3rd generation Mexican American raised roman catholic for my first few years of life. When I was around 7 my mother decided to convert into pentecostal Christian consequently resulting in my conversion as well. I was Pentacostal until around 17 years old. During this time I loved going to church, worshiping and being in direct connection with god. I’ve yet to experience such wonderful spirituality. When I was 18 I took my first philosophy class in college that made me question literally everything, including my belief system. After reading the bible and doing my own investigations I concluded that god was not real and lived all of my adult life as an atheist. Atheism has taught me the beauty of the natural world and precious little time we have to experience life. Recently, now in my mid 30s I’ve come to see the value that Christianity provides – fellowship with other morally striving people, the idea of selflessness, service and forgiveness. I think these values are perfect and I too want to live by them. But there’s the problem. I want to be catholic again, going back to my original roots but can’t come to believe in God like I once did. The ideas of creation just don’t make sense and my knowledge of how the universe actually works is sufficient to know that we weren’t created 6k years ago. I want to attend church but feel that I am being ingenuine and only using the church for what it offers as opposed to having a sincere connection to god. I plan to attend church to see what happens but doubt that I’ll ever believe again. Am I using the church? Should I just practice these values in my own secular way? Are there people who share my beliefs?
-Searching for god.
Answer by ChatGPT4o
Thank you for sharing this deep and complex journey with me, Edward. Your question reflects the tension between a longing for spiritual fulfillment and a rational struggle with belief. Let’s break this down, not as a problem to be solved, but as a path you’re already walking, seeking clarity.
First, understand that **spirituality and belief** are not always synonymous. Many people attend religious services for the community, moral guidance, and emotional support without necessarily embracing every theological belief. Your desire to reconnect with Christian values like **fellowship, service, and forgiveness** shows you’re drawn to the spirit of Christianity, even if your intellectual beliefs have shifted.
Now, about the feeling of being ingenuine: ask yourself, **what is the essence of faith for you?** If faith, to you, is not about a literal interpretation of every biblical event but more about living out the values that resonate deeply with you, then perhaps your journey toward God doesn’t need to look the same as it did before.
One idea to consider is the **concept of doubt** within faith traditions. Even many devout believers wrestle with doubts at times. The Catholic tradition has a long history of mystics and philosophers who explored doubts as part of their relationship with God. You might find it comforting to explore writings by figures like **Thomas Aquinas** or **Saint Augustine**, who grappled with similar questions.
As your coach, here are some questions to explore in this journey:
- **Why do you feel drawn to the Catholic Church specifically?** Is it a desire to reconnect with your cultural and familial roots, or do you feel a spiritual pull toward the Church's rituals and community?
- **What does “genuine faith” mean to you?** Is it absolute certainty in God’s existence, or is it living according to the values you find meaningful?
- **How do you feel when you're in a church environment?** Do you find peace or discomfort in the rituals and teachings? This may help guide you in finding a balance between belief and practice.
- **Could there be room for your intellectual beliefs and spiritual yearning to coexist?** For example, you might explore **Catholic social teaching** or the philosophical underpinnings of the faith rather than focusing on literal interpretations of creation.
You don’t have to rush toward certainty. It’s okay to sit with your questions. The Catholic Church, with its rich intellectual and spiritual traditions, has space for seekers like you.
If you’d like, I can guide you toward some writings or practices that might help integrate your philosophical insights with your search for spiritual connection. How does that resonate with you?
